Self pleasure basics for all bodies
(aka masturbation, aka wanking)
No matter who you are or what body you have, there are a few things that make masturbation better for almost everyone.
- Know that masturbation is completely normal. Human. Ancient. Most people do it at some point. Many people do it regularly. And despite centuries of panic, there are no reputable scientific studies linking masturbation to bad outcomes. You’re not harming yourself. You’re not “weak.” You’re not doing anything wrong or shameful.
In fact, masturbation is commonly associated with reduced stress, improved mood, better sleep, and a stronger sense of comfort in one’s own body. It can be soothing. It can be playful. It can be a pressure release valve. Sometimes it’s just… nice. Orgasms release a whole cascade of brain chemicals like endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin — chemicals that regulate mood and naturally relieve stress.
Almost every scary thing you’ve heard about masturbation is a myth. It doesn’t ruin partnered sex. It doesn’t make you selfish or addicted by default. It doesn’t desensitize your genitals forever. You’re not going to “use up” your desire, your sperm, your eggs, or your capacity for connection. People in deeply loving relationships can still masturbate alone if they like.
So if there’s a single baseline to start from, it’s this: your curiosity about your own body is allowed. Your pleasure isn’t dangerous. And you don’t need a justification to enjoy being in your own skin. Have fun exploring.
- Set and setting. It’s really nice to have privacy… like the kind of privacy where you’re not rushed or worried someone is gonna run in on you. Better yet, the kind of privacy where you can make as much noise as you want without worrying someone will hear you. Some people reading this are already angry at such unrealistic fantasies. It doesn’t need to be perfect… but having time and space and real privacy will definitely make it easier for your body and mind to relax.
Wash your hands before (annnnd after) regardless of your hardware 🧐. Society thanks you for your service.
Also take a minute to set aside any props you want: towels, tissues, lubes, toys, material, afterglow snacks. It’s nice to have everything on hand. There’s a whole deep dive on lube in the Essential Functional Knowledge section, but for now just know a good water-based lube will take you a long way. You can also use organic coconut oil… though for some people it can cause disruptions in the microbiome when used for internal vaginal use.
If you can, make the room warm enough to be comfy. Or whatever temp feels good. Put a pair of socks on if your feet are cold. Just generally take care of your needs. The more comfy you are the more your nervous system can settle into the experience.
Consider setting the mood. Just cause you’re alone doesn’t mean you can’t dim the lights a little and put on your favorite playlist.
Don’t forget the rest of your body! See what it’s like to touch yourself everywhere, not just your genitals.
Pause at the end… whether you’ve orgasmed or not. A lot of folks cum and then — before the orgasm is even over — shut their laptop and move on. Take a moment to breathe with all the sensations in your body. Feel. - You may have seen people masturbate in porn (and sorry to sound like a broken record) but you don’t need to do it the same way. You can if you want. But give yourself freedom to play and explore your body.
- See what’s possible if you let go of orgasm as the goal, and instead just follow your pleasure and see where it takes you.
- That last part — follow your pleasure — is arguably the most important part of this entire course. It’s the one we’d put on a billboard on I90.
One of the biggest shifts you can make is this: stop pushing. The very act of pushing through (I should be more turned on, I need to get there, just get over it) tends to shut down the part of your brain that actually allows you to settle into pleasure.
Following your pleasure 
means starting with what feels good — even if it’s subtle — and letting that guide you.
Sometimes this will feel easy — you’ll feel your pleasure as a compass and follow it whereever it leads. Other times, this might feel a little edgy — there’s curiosity and resistance, or curiosity and fear, or curiosity and shame.
When that happens, listen for the difference between what somatic sex educator Betty Martin calls push and pull:
Push
Ugh, I should be more into this.
Ugh, i’m so vanilla why don’t I like this more?
Ugh, now I feel like I have to want to try all these things cause the course taught them so they must be what everyone else is doing.
→ This usually leads you further away from pleasure.
Pull
Ooh… that feels nice. I want more of that.
Ooh… that’s really exciting, I want to try that
Hmm… that’s a little edgy, but I’m curious
→ This usually leads you towards more pleasure
So throughout the whole course just notice what feels genuinely inviting — and follow that.
Have fun!
Self pleasure for people with vulvas
An intro
A lot of these first points were said above, but they need some more airtime.
First: privacy and time.
The thing is… vulvas care a lot about what’s going on in your mind. If you’re stressed or anxious or upset, orgasm might feel a bit out of reach. Or not. We’ll talk about this a ton more later, but for now… just know that if some part of your brain is on lookout duty — is someone gonna walk in? am I being too loud? how much time do I have? — your body is gonna have a hard time fully letting go. Our animal brains still think stress = tiger in the forest trying to eat us = bad time to fuck. Our brains much prefer fucking when we’re relaxed, fed, and feel safe.
So if you can, give yourself real privacy and enough time that you’re not half-masturbating, half-checking the clock. If you’re coming straight from work or stress-brain, you might do something that brings you back into your body first.
Warm shower. Hot bath. Go for a run.
Wash your hands.
Clean hands = fewer infections = more pleasure long-term. If you have long or sharp nails and you want to do internal touch you can be very careful or wear gloves with cotton balls at the tips for padding.
Towels are your friend.
Put one down if there’s even a whisper of worry about mess. A lot of people with vulvas get close to orgasm and then squash it for fear of peeing everywhere. The peeing everywhere part rarely actually happens… but the thought of having to change the sheets can kill the mood. This concern goes away with practice.
Let’s talk about orgasms.
An orgasm is basically a release — often pulsing, wave-like, sometimes subtle, sometimes dramatic. They can feel like a sneeze. They can feel like a cosmic melting into a vast ocean of ecstasy. Same word. Lots of ways it can feel 
.
If we want to get a little science-y: an orgasm is a series of involuntary, rhythmic pelvic floor contractions, often paired with a peak in pleasure and followed by some kind of release or softening.
Around 10% of women report never having experienced an orgasm. So if you haven’t — or you’re not sure if you have — you are extremely not alone.
Sometimes, while masturbating, some folks reach a point where liquid comes out — squirting. If it’s your first time, it can be surprising. Like, wait… what just happened?
We’ll talk way more about squirting later, but for now here are the only things you need to know: squirt isn’t pee. It’s a different liquid. And sometimes squirting happens with an orgasm. Sometimes it doesn’t. So if you squirted, that doesn’t automatically mean the party’s over. The orgasm might still be on its way. No need to shut everything down unless you want to.
There’s so much hubbub about orgasms… and honestly, they don’t have to be the point. There’s a whole world of pleasure available when you stop trying to get somewhere and just follow what feels good. Oddly enough, that’s often when orgasms show up anyway 
.
Some helpful techniques
Humping and grinding and riding what’s around
This is often people’s first intro to masturbation but that doesn’t mean it can’t last a damn good lifetime! You’re doing whatever you’re doing and then you rub your vulva just right on the corner of the bed and it’s like wow what’s that?!
Oftentimes people can feel self conscious or a bit shamey about this… but no need… it’s totally normal and a pretty common and effective technique. Play around with different vibes… some people like pillows, others like the hard corners of tables, some the armrests on couches.
The clit, The Clit, THE CLIT
Hopefully you followed along on the anatomy sections and are well acquainted with your clit. It’s gonna be the star of the show. It’s helpful to know that some people like direct touch right on the clit, while others prefer more indirect touch — through the clitoral hood, the labia, or underwear. A lot of people find that direct touch can feel a bit too intense at first, and becomes more enjoyable as arousal builds. As you get more turned on, the clit often tucks a bit more under the hood, and what feels good can shift along with that. Anyway… point is… like most things here… there’s no right way… explore what makes your heart sing.
You can also add other layers like underwear or blankets. Lots of people love playing with themselves over their underwear and then slowly removing layers as the arousal grows.
For over 2/3 of women, touching the clit doesn’t feel as good as touching it through another layer like surrounding skin.
Try out different positions
Everyone is different, but you might try some of these and see if any are particularly awesome.
For the love of running water
We’ll talk about sex toys later. For now, don’t sleep on what’s already in your house. Showers, baths, bath jets, hot tubs — water can be wildly pleasurable, and it comes with the underrated bonus of built-in privacy. There’s no right way to do this. Just experiment. Start with low pressure and lukewarm water (don’t burn your bits!), then slowly build. Follow your pleasure 
. This is an external thing only though… don’t go firehosing your insides.
A few other ideas…
When you feel yourself getting close, don’t rush it, don’t change it up. Don’t suddenly sprint toward the finish line. Stay with the rhythm and pace that’s been working. This is hard to relearn because porn teaches the opposite: faster, harder, more, right before the end.
And here’s the part people miss: nothing kills an orgasm like pressure. Orgasms are rebellious like that. Remember Pull, not Push. If you’re struggling to come, the most efficient move is also the most counterintuitive — stop trying to orgasm at all. Let go of the goal. Stay with sensation for its own sake. Orgasm, when it’s not being pressured, has a funny habit of finding you anyway.
The quickest way to kill an orgasm is to pressure it to come.
Penis self pleasure
So many people beat it out in five minutes not knowing the joys of long slow self-pleasure sessions. See what’s possible when you slow down and shift away from orgasm as the goal.
There’s no rulebook
If you’re trans or genderqueer, masturbation can feel like a choose-your-own-adventure. Some days it’s effortless. Some days it’s like your body is buffering. The goal here isn’t “do it right.” It’s: find what feels good and feels like you.
Two very real realities
1) For some people, dysphoria isn’t a big factor.
Maybe it just isn’t. Maybe surgery changed the landscape. Maybe your relationship with your body is chill.
2) For other folks, genitals can bring up dysphoria.
Also very real. And it doesn’t mean you’re “blocked” or “broken.” It just means your arousal system has opinions.
If genitals feel like… not the vibe
Try any of these. Ignore the rest.
Change the language.
Words can be surprisingly loud. If certain anatomy terms make you shrink, swap them. Use different words. Use no words. Use “there,” “my body,” “that spot,” or whatever you want. You’re allowed.
Don’t touch your genitals at all.
Seriously. Masturbation doesn’t require direct genital contact. Some bodies orgasm from nipples, inner thighs, anal stimulation, grinding on a pillow, humping a mattress, vibrating on the pubic mound through underwear, or full-body fantasy alone. You’re not “missing” masturbation if you’re not touching one specific area.
Use a blindfold.
Sometimes all it takes is not seeing your body.
Go indirect.
Underwear, a towel, a blanket, a palm over fabric — sometimes one thin layer makes all the difference.
Make it a whole-body thing first.
Start with non-genital pleasure: scalp, neck, chest, stomach, hips, thighs, butt, feet. Let your body get on board before you ask it to go anywhere tender.
Gender euphoria is the North Star
Pleasure is great. Pleasure plus gender euphoria is next-level. Instead of asking, “What should I do?” try asking:
What makes me feel hot in my gender?
What makes me feel like myself?
What makes my body feel like home?
Then build your solo play around that.
Tools that can help
This isn’t a shopping list. Just options.
Clothes: the underwear that makes you stand taller. The shirt that changes your posture. The socks that make you feel like a legend.
Lighting: soft and dim, bright and crisp, total darkness — whatever makes you feel most you.
Mirrors: yes, no, angled, covered. For some people they add curiosity and connection, for others they can feel distracting or dysphoric.
Sound: music that matches your gender energy. Audio erotica. A voice note.
Silence: (Silence can be sexy. Silence can also be loud. Choose accordingly.) Audio erotica skips the visuals and hands the reins to imagination — which, for a lot of people, makes it way easier to inhabit the body that actually feels right.
When dysphoria spikes mid-session
It happens. Here are a few fast pivots:
+ Deep slow breath and pause
+ Zoom out: switch to chest / thighs / belly / breath / fantasy.
+ Add a layer: fabric between hand/toy and skin.
+ Change position: on your side, face down, legs straight, knees up—geometry changes everything.
+ Change the story: if fantasy helps, shift to a version of you that feels more true. Masturbation is allowed to be an alternate universe where you are correctly perceived at all times.
The point
Masturbation doesn’t have to be a reenactment of someone else’s script. It can be a private lab where you learn exactly how your body wants to be touched — and exactly how your gender wants to be met.
If light touch feels like ants with knives…
A lot of autistic and sensory-sensitive people experience light, feathery, unpredictable touch as the worst kind of touch — it can read as “alert!” instead of “ahhh.” In that case, skip the teasing and go straight to firm, steady, consistent pressure. Translation: less fluttering, more commitment.
Pick a pressure lane and stay there
Firm pressure often works because it’s predictable and easier for the nervous system to sort.
Try: whole-hand contact, a broad toy, pressure through fabric, grinding against something stable, or a slow “press and hold” instead of rub-rub-rub.
Control the sensory variables
If your brain gets yanked out of arousal by tiny annoyances, make the room boring-on-purpose:
Sound: headphones or a single chosen audio track (no random apartment noises).
Light: one lighting choice (dim, bright, dark) and commit.
Texture: one comfy consistent fabric under you; avoid scratchy towels and surprise seams.
Smell: keep it neutral.
Masturbation can be epic stimming
Stimming is repetitive sensory input people use to regulate — calm, focus, joy, discharge. Solo pleasure can hit that same lane: repetitive, rhythmic, body-soothing, dopamine-y. If it’s doing its job, you’ll usually feel more organized after, not more scrambled.
When it flips from good to “TOO MUCH”
Common neurodivergent pattern: fine → incredible → overstimulated in 0.8 seconds.
Fast fix: go broader and slower — more surface area, less intensity, more pressure, fewer sharp sensations.
If that still doesn’t work, stop and reset; forcing it usually turns pleasure into static.
One safety rule that actually matters
If you get numbness, sharp pain, or skin irritation, switch it up (more lube, less friction, different angle, different pressure) or stop. Firm is great; raw usually not so much.
A simple quickie is great. Profound even.
And also… solo sex can be a whole playground. A place to get closer to yourself, learn your “yeses,” and make partnered sex way better because you stop guessing and start knowing.
The Three Keys: Breath, Sound, Movement
These three are basically the master controls for turning sensation into experience. Most people were trained out of all three. Kids learn fast that big emotion is “too much.” Then we learn to masturbate like a thief… quiet, small, fast, hyper-alert. So our bodies get good at pleasure with the brakes on.
Anytime you want to go deeper, come back to these:
Breath
Let it get bigger. Especially the exhale. Long exhales tell your nervous system, we’re safe.
Try this: take three breaths that are 20% deeper than usual.
Sound
Let yourself be noisey! Sometimes it takes a bit of time making inauthentic sounds before the authentic sounds emerge on their own.
Try this: make one sound you’d make if you were alone on earth. A sigh, a hum, a low “mmh,” a little growl, a giant roar.
Movement
Bodies like motion. Motion spreads sensation and keeps you from getting stuck in one tiny point of intensity.
Try this: let your hips move how they want to move. Rock, circle, grind, stillness with a little pulse. Don’t choreograph it. Follow some inner call.
Remember that the quickest way into presence is to feel your sensations 
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Quality of Touch
You already know this from hugs. Some hugs feel like home. Some feel awkward and uncomfortable. Your self-touch can have that same range. Instead of asking, “Am I doing the right technique?” ask, “What’s the quality of my touch right now?”
Then play with one dial at a time:
Light / Firm
If you’re already light, go even lighter for ten strokes. If you’re firm, get firmer by 20%. Notice where your body relaxes and where it recoils.
Slow / Fast
Most people are going really fast. Try the opposite. Slow down by 60% and see if your pleasure expands.
Self pleasure aftercare
Totally normal to wonder. There’s no magic number. Some people never masturbate. Some people do it sometimes. Some people do it several times a day. There’s no such medical thing as masturbating too often. It’s only “too much” if it’s costing you something you care about… sleep, work, relationships, your body feeling tender/raw… or if it starts to feel less like a choice and more like you’re on autopilot. If any of that is true, just pause, get curious, and experiment with a little more structure.
Ugh, yes. So common. Shame is often just old conditioning echoing in your body. Most of us learned some version of “don’t touch,” “don’t want,” “don’t be loud,” “don’t be seen.” You might of had adults freak out when you touched yourself as a young child (as most children naturally do), or been told in church that masturbation was wrong. Even if your mind is sex-positive, your body can still run the old software. A tiny fix that helps: after you finish, don’t immediately bolt. Put a hand on your chest or belly, take one slow exhale, and tell yourself something simple like: That was allowed. If the shame is intense or keeps showing up, that’s not you being dramatic. It just means there’s a knot worth loosening, gently, over time.
Yes. Full yes. Masturbation is not a replacement for partnered sex. It’s self care. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner or that they aren’t enough. Sometimes it’s just faster, quieter, or easier because there’s zero performance pressure. And honestly, a lot of people can orgasm alone even if they struggle with a partner… because being alone removes the whole Am I taking too long? Do I look weird? Are they bored? soundtrack. Solo pleasure can also make partnered sex better because you learn what works and can actually share it. If this is a tender topic in your relationship, a short, honest conversation can help.
What’s true?
Masturbation is normal, healthy, and nothing to be ashamed of! Most people do it.
Follow your pull, not your push. Follow your pleasure and let it guide you.
If you have a vulva, get to know your clit.
The quickest way into presence is to feel your sensations.
Breath, Movement, and Sound are the three keys in Tantra for deepening your experience.
