Giving head / going down / giving brain / eating out / cunnilingus
(Linguists, we need better phrases pleaaasssee!)
Oral sex sits in that giant cultural bucket of “basically nobody uses protection for this,” and to be fair, the culture is picking up on something real: In terms of HIV, oral sex is genuinely very low risk — so low that the CDC does not give it a precise per-act number, even though it does for vaginal and anal sex. But somewhere along the way, “very low HIV risk” got flattened into “basically risk-free,” and those aren’t the same thing.
Oral sex can still spread gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes, and HPV, and a lot of oral infections have no symptoms at all, which means people often don’t know they have them. Herpes matters here too: Oral HSV-1 (aka cold sores) is a big reason genital HSV-1 has become more common, because HSV-1 can spread from the mouth to the genitals through oral sex. So the honest story is not “panic,” and it is not “don’t worry about it.” It’s: Oral sex is much lower risk than penetrative sex for HIV, but it’s still a real route of transmission for several other STIs — and that’s worth actually knowing.
Here are some ways to make it safer:
Use condoms and dams (yes, actually.)
Skip oral if you have open cuts or sores in or on your mouth.
Avoid brushing or flossing within a few hours beforehand — tiny gum abrasions may make transmission easier.
How to eat pussy
First, check out this awesome video by Stevie Boebi and then come back 🥳.
Let’s clear the air first. This is not learning to spell the ABCs with your tongue or figuring out how to roll your Rs. A flat tongue is almost always the win. But tongue shapes are fairly beside the point. The single best way to be great at eating pussy is to enthusiastically love eating pussy.
Now… that doesn’t mean you have to love it right out of the gate. It can be an acquired taste. And none of this is to say you should do something you don’t actually want to do.
It’s just that letting someone put their mouth between your legs is pretty vulnerable. Tender. Exposed. And that’s not a moment anyone wants to feel their partner’s reluctance, hesitation, or quiet discomfort.
Eat pussy like it’s the only place on earth you’d like your face to be… like you’re tasting their juice after a parched week’s wander in the desert… and they’ll remember you on their deathbed.
First: let’s toss some myths
Myth #1: Harder and faster is better.
Nope. That’s how you numb someone out or send their nervous system into flight mode. Vulvas wake up slowly. Aggression too early is just… confusing.
Myth #2: Good hygiene means odorless.
Vulvas smell like vulvas. Clean is great. Sterile is not sexy. If you’re expecting nothingness, you’re going to miss the poetry.
Myth #3: Direct clit stimulation is always best.
Not so much. The clitoris is powerful and sensitive and sometimes wants to be admired from a respectful distance. Don’t pull back the hood (or god forbid nibble the clit) without communication.
Before you begin
Set yourselves up to win. Be fed. Hydrated.Warm. Comfortable. Cold, hangry people seldom orgasm.
Also friendly reminder: skip “feminine hygiene” products or “vaginal deodorants.” They solve problems that don’t exist and create new ones that will. Soap and water on the outside is plenty. Vaginas are self-cleaning legends.
Buildup
Slow down. Now slow down again. Give this its own time. Don’t wedge it between emails and bedtime doomscrolling.
Start everywhere but the obvious places. Thighs. Hips. Belly. Breath on skin. A lick from toe to temple if that’s your cup of tea. When you first lick or kiss the vulva you might not linger but just pass through… build tension with your tease.
If you go straight for the clit and park there, you’re basically skipping the opening chapters and wondering why the story doesn’t hit.
Tongue logistics (how not to burn out)
Common giver problems:
Tired tongue. Wrecked jaw.
Switch it up. Use your whole mouth. Take breaks by kissing thighs or pressing your lips into the vulva instead of flicking nonstop. Use your hands. Use toys.
Dry mouth.
Hydrate. Seriously. A sip of water is sexier than a sandpaper tongue.
“I don’t know if this is working.”
Ask option-based questions. They’re magic.
“Like this, or more like this?”
“Slower or softer?”
This removes pressure and turns feedback into collaboration instead of a pop quiz. Think of all the ways you can vary kissing and bring those same variations to oral.
Where your face actually goes
A pillow under their butt can save your neck and change the angle in delicious ways.
Positions to play with
Partner on their back
Face sitting (highly underrated, very efficient) But hard to do with dental dams and make sure you figure out non-verbal ways of communicating. A double tap with your finger on their body is a classic way of saying pause or stop. An ok sign with your hand is a classic way of saying all good. Figure out what works for you.
69 a classic for a reason. Gently spreading the outer lips can help you avoid a mouthful of hair and gives clearer access.
Notes
Use your whole body
Your mouth is doing things, yes. But your hands can be involved too. Firm pressure on thighs. A hand on the belly. Holding hips steady. A finger on the upper wall with tongue on the clit. This tells the body, You’re held. You can let go. Also — make noise if you’re enjoying yourself. Moans create vibrations and let your partner know you’re genuinely into it.
Read the body
Non-verbal feedback matters. Breathing changes. Hips move. Sounds shift.
Eating pussy isn’t about doing everything “right.” It’s about paying attention, loving being there, and staying long enough for their body to trust you.
Earning your red wings
Some people love it. For some people, it’s a hard no. Up to you.
Oral sex during a period is usually still lower-risk than penetrative sex, but blood can change the STI picture. If either of you has mouth sores, bleeding gums, cuts, unknown STI status, or known hepatitis/HIV risk, use a dental dam — or save oral-vulva contact for after bleeding is over.
Also: put down a towel, check in about taste/smell/comfort, and don’t make it weird. Period blood is not dirty. It’s just blood.
Giving head
(How to Give a Blowjob)
First things first. No one is “owed” oral sex.
Not because you’re dating. Not because you’ve been flirting. Not because they went down on you. Not because it’s Tuesday.
A blowjob is a gift. And the best oral sex anyone will ever receive is from someone who actually wants to be there. If you don’t want to do it? Don’t.
1. Start with clarity
This one changes everything and avoids a bunch of awkwardness.
Are you trying to make them come? Or is this warm-up?
Say something like: “I want you to come in five minutes” or
“Don’t come. I want you to fuck me after this.”
That clarity can change the entire interaction, because it means no one is guessing or trying to read minds. Everyone knows what’s happening and can get excited about what’s coming next. So many possibly magnificent blowjobs have been wasted on people who were thinking about lord knows what kind of banal and boring daydream to avoid coming.
And about where they come? Talk about it before the moment of no return. Like… well before. Towel. Stomach. Mouth. Whatever. If you want it in your mouth but not all over your tastebuds, having them finish a little farther back can help. If you don’t want it in your mouth, pull off before they come and guide it where you agreed. And if it’s on your face? Keep it away from your eyes. It burns. No one needs an emergency eye rinse mid-afterglow.
2. If there’s no erection
People with penises are not machines. Sometimes erections don’t happen. Sometimes they soften. It’s completely normal. If you make it awkward, it gets more awkward. If you say, “Hey, no stress,” and mean it, their body is much more likely to relax.
And if you’re the one with the penis? Don’t spiral. You’re not broken. Stay present. Remember you don’t even need a hard penis to have mind boggling sex, because mind boggling sex doesn’t even require penetration.
3. Anatomy
The most sensitive areas on a penis are:
- The glans (the head)
- The frenulum (that ridge on the underside where the head meets the shaft). It’s worth going back to the anatomy section to take another look if you want a reminder.
That underside? Gold. If there’s a foreskin, don’t yank it down aggressively. That can hurt. Gentle is better. And protect with your lips — cover your teeth. Or tuck your lower teeth under your tongue. Endeavor to avoid accidental chomping.
4. The technique
Use saliva. Use flavored or unflavored lube. Wet is your friend. Spitting can be very erotic for some people… and not so much for others. Feel it out. Start slow. Tease. Kiss inner thighs. Let them feel your breath before they feel your mouth.
You don’t need 19 tongue tricks. You need variation, attention, and probably your hands. Change speed, pressure, and texture. Linger on the places that seem to matter. Let your mouth focus on the sensitive parts while your hand helps with rhythm, coverage, and intensity. Mouth-only is fine. Mouth-plus-hand is often fantastic.
5. The testicles
They are delicate. As a general rule, no intense pulling, twisting, hard squeezing. But gentle licking or sucking? Yes. Soft. Slow. Attentive.
6. Eye contact, sound, energy
Some people melt with eye contact. Some get shy. Try it. Adjust.
Making sound — moaning, breathing heavier — can heighten arousal because it signals enjoyment. If you’re actually enjoying it, let that show. And if you want to touch yourself with your free hand? Go wild. Desire is contagious.
7. Perineum & anus
The perineum (the area between the testicles and anus) can feel incredible when pressed or stroked. The anus can also feel good for some people. But this is not a surprise zone. Ask first.
Final thing
A blowjob doesn’t have to look like it does in porn. It’s less about performing and more about communicating, remaining playful, and engaging with enthusiasm and presence.
How to eat ass
Eating ass is not a mystical art form. It’s hygiene and enthusiasm. If everyone’s clean and genuinely into it, that’s 90% of the equation. Shower. Clean between the cheeks well. You might even wash the outer wrinkles of the anus with a finger by pushing out gently and inserting your finger no more than a knuckle.
After that? It’s just like any other kind of oral: go slow, pay attention to reactions, and don’t treat it like a dare you’re bravely surviving. If you’re disgusted, don’t do it. If you’re curious and into it, great. Confidence and a clean body go a long way.
Tribbing / scissoring 101
First, check out this awesome video by Stevie Boebi, then come back 🥳
Ahh the mythical topic so convoluted by lore and male-gaze porn. If you want to see what real lesbian sex can look like, consider searching for ‘amateur lesbian porn.’ The vast majority of mainstream lesbian porn is made entirely for the male gaze by male directors.
Tribbing can mean a few different things. Grinding your vulva on someone’s thigh, stomach, or another body part is generally very low risk. Vulva-to-vulva grinding is different: it can involve lots of skin contact and fluid exchange, so unless you’re fully fluid bonded — tested, transparent, and exclusive — there’s no magical way to make it zero-risk. And realistically… dental dams can be great for oral sex, but they’re not especially practical for vulva-to-vulva grinding.
One option if you’re planning on tribbing is to use Lorals. Compared to dams, they’re just a lot more practical. They stay put and reduce direct contact — though exactly how protective they are in this specific scenario isn’t fully known yet. Only one person needs to wear them. Latex on latex tends to break. Lorals can also be a great tool for sharing a wand vibe between you. Alternatively, you can stretch a condom over the wand head and roll it down the neck, then loosely secure it with a hair tie at the base so vibration doesn’t shake it off.
Oral sex is never a requirement or something you owe someone. Embodied consent of course applies here, too.
Never push someone’s head toward your crotch to initiate oral. Ask clearly, ask kindly, and respect the answer.
The most important oral sex skill is enthusiasm.
Oral sex can transmit STIs, even if the cultural norm treats protection like an afterthought. Make informed choices that work for everyone involved.
