Solo pleasure as a practice
Solo pleasure is the safest sex you can have. No performance. No one else’s expectations in the room. You can start, stop, change your mind, wander off, come back, or do whatever you want.
A lot of people can orgasm alone and then feel confused when that ease vanishes with a partner. That gap gets pathologized way too fast. Usually it’s not bad chemistry or broken wiring. It’s attention. Alone, you’re not managing how you look. You’re not timing yourself. You’re not trying to be generous, impressive, responsive, or chill. You’re listening to sensation and following where it goes.
Solo pleasure is one of the few places where attention can stay in the body long enough to feel without getting hijacked by self-consciousness or strategy. Over time, that familiarity carries into partnered sex. You recognize yourself faster. You don’t panic when pleasure changes shape or asks for more time. You’ve been there before.
If being in your body feels strange — if you mostly live from the neck up — movement can crack the door. Sports. Dance. Long walks where your breath gets loud. Movement teaches the nervous system that intensity doesn’t automatically mean danger. That heat can rise without needing to be shut down. That rhythm exists whether or not you control it.
Underneath all of this is a simpler question: how much pleasure can you actually let in?
How much sensation can you stay with before you rush it, tense around it, minimize it, or decide where it should go? How much can you feel without holding your breath? We’ve been taught, in a thousand relentless ways, that pleasure is indulgent. Dangerous. Something you get in tiny, fleeting portions if you have worked and suffered hard enough to deserve it.
No. You deserve pleasure because you are alive.
This doesn’t have to start with sex. It might start with the first sip of coffee that makes you remember you are here. The warmth of morning sun on your face. A breeze brushing your skin. The hug that lowers you an inch back into yourself. The obscene joy of a hot shower on a cold day.
Pleasure is often this quiet. This ordinary. This easy to miss. A life can go by that way.
So maybe the practice isn’t chasing bigger sensations. Maybe it’s stopping long enough for the small holy ones to land. Letting sweetness 
register. Letting beauty make contact. Staying one beat longer than you normally would. Then later, when pleasure comes in a bigger wave, your body is not meeting a stranger. It’s recognizing a language it has been hearing all along.
From there, solo pleasure doesn’t have to chase fireworks. It can be an experiment in allowance. In permission only you can give yourself. What happens if you don’t steer? What happens if you let sensation spread instead of forcing it toward a finish line? Some days are subtle. Some days are hungry. Some days your body is tired and uninterested. No requirement to masturbate at all if it’s not your thing.
But if you do, notice what happens after. When pleasure rises, how much of it can you let fill your body? How long can you stay with it — feeling, breathing, noticing, appreciating that you have a body that feels at all?
Practiced this way, solo pleasure isn’t about optimizing sex. It’s about becoming more intimate with yourself. Giving your body enough room to show you what it likes, how it opens, what it refuses, what it longs for — when no one’s watching.
Learning to touch
Most people already know how to touch themselves. What they don’t always know is how to feel while they’re doing it. Because it’s easy to fall into autopilot — same route, same speed, same pressure, like you’re taking the freeway home after work. Efficient. Reliable. A little… bland.
This section is an invitation to come back online. To use your hands and fingers not just to touch but to feel. Not chasing an orgasm like it’s a prize at the bottom of a cereal box. Not trying to “do it right.” Just noticing: what’s happening in my body right now? What wakes it up? What makes it soften? What makes it want more?
A simple place to start: if there’s a way you’ve always wished someone would touch you — slower, firmer, more patient, more worship-y, more playful — try giving yourself that exact touch 
. Don’t be afraid to find the Goldilocks feeling… you can have it exactly as you wish. And no worries, you’re not going to “use it up.” You’re not going to exhaust the magic and show up to partnered sex like, welp, guess I’ve already seen this movie. Sex is vast. Pleasure is vast. There will always be more to explore.
Variation, pacing, pressure, curiosity
Think of these like knobs.
Speed: A little slower. A little faster.
Pressure: A little lighter. A little deeper.
Rhythm: A little more steady. A little more teasing.
Try taking those spectrums and stretching them wider in both directions. How light can you touch before the sensation disappears? How much pressure feels like too much? How slow can you go before it almost stops registering?
Often the easiest way to calibrate is to find the edges first. Touch so lightly you can barely feel it. Add pressure until it’s too much. Move so slowly it almost feels still. Then, from that full felt range, find what feels sweetest right now. Sometimes the change that unlocks everything is comically small — like half a centimeter, or ten seconds longer than you’d normally stay.
The next level, shockingly simple yet shockingly profound, is something Betty Martin teaches in The Wheel of Consent called Waking Up the Hands. Give it a try.
“It’s about noticing what’s coming in your hands instead of trying to think about what’s going out your hands… it’s opening the inflow and discovering that your hands are a source of pleasure to you and not just implements by which you accomplish things and that switch is going to make all the difference.”
— Betty Martin
1. Lean back in a chair or couch, flat back, relaxed.
2. Pick up a pillow or some object from the around your house.
3. Start touching the pillow and just see how much pleasure you can derive from feeling that object. Feel your hands more than watch your hands. See what happens when you really slow down. How much sensation can you let in?
4. Things that get in the way: anything that feels like effort… leaning forward, trying too hard… efforting in any sort of way switches the nervous system mode.
You can find more detailed instructions on Betty Martin’s website.
You probably didn’t think you were going to learn to meditate at the beginning of a masturbation section, did you? And yet here we are.
Mindfulness is useful for almost everything in this course.
Body shame. Spectatoring. Drifting out of the moment. Getting yanked into your to-do list while trying to feel literally anything. Anytime your attention wanders off and you want to come back to what is actually happening in your body, mindfulness can help.
It doesn’t need to be fancy. You don’t need a special cushion or the energy of someone who owns seventeen linen outfits. The basic move is simple: pause. Sit down. Eyes open or closed. Take a breath in. Notice it coming in. Take a breath out. Notice it going out.
And then just pay attention.
Notice the sensations in your body. Notice the air on your skin. Notice where you feel tight, buzzy, numb, restless, warm, open, distracted, whatever is true. If thoughts come in — and they will, because your mind is a mind — just notice them too.
You don’t have to fight your thoughts. That only makes them louder. Let them pass through. Watch them like clouds moving across the sky. Did I answer that email? Am I doing this right? Okay. Noted. There they go.
The practice is not having no thoughts. The practice is coming back. Back to your breath. Back to sensation. Back to right now. Again and again and again.
That is what makes mindfulness so useful sexually. It helps pull you out of performance mode and back into experience. Out of your head and back into your body. Out of judgment and back into contact.
There are lots of great courses and teachers out there if you want to go deeper. But as a primer, that’s really it: set a timer, breathe, notice, allow, return. Tiny. Simple. Weirdly powerful.
Internal self pleasure
Most women masturbate without vaginal penetration most of the time. About 20% use penetration at least occasionally, and about 10% use it regularly. So if internal touch ends up being part of your pleasure, great. And if it doesn’t, that is also completely normal.
The G-Region (aka G-Spot)
Two big yeses up front: warm-up and lube. G-region touch without both is often a lot less enjoyable.
Now, a quick myth cleanup: there is no single magic orgasm button hiding inside you waiting to be pressed. In fact, science isn’t settled on the existence of the G-region at all… and yet it is a commonly reported phenomenon among people with vulvas. The so-called “G-spot” is a misleading headline. What people are actually talking about is a G-region — a broader area of internal tissue that can become sensitive when you’re very turned on. The social noise around this is loud: if you don’t find it, you’re broken. Not true. Some people with vulvas love G-region touch. Some feel neutral about it. Some don’t feel much there at all. All of that is normal.
“Start here” map
Many people locate G-region sensitivity on the front/top vaginal wall (the side closer to your belly), roughly one to three inches in. But location and depth vary widely, and it can shift. For some folks it can be side walls, bottom wall, shift day to day, or be deeper than fingers can reach. All of this is normal.
Some people notice that once they’re aroused, the tissue here can feel fuller, spongier, or slightly different in texture than surrounding areas. That can be a helpful orientation cue — but it’s not something to hunt for. Use this map as a starting point, not a pass/fail test. Searching for the spot can actually shut down pleasure. Instead of hunting, explore.
Warm-up: the wrong stage is the fastest way to make it meh
G-region pleasure often feels less like sparkles and more like pressure + fullness + slow waves. It can be deeply satisfying even if it doesn’t look like an orgasm ramp. People often quit early because they’re waiting for clitoral-style fireworks.
If your clit isn’t awake, your G-region usually isn’t either.
So start externally first:
- whatever turns you on (hands, vibrator, hentai, grinding, whatever)
- enough time that your whole pelvis feels warmer, fuller, more “online”
When internal touch comes after real arousal, it tends to land. When it comes too early, it often feels like nothing, like pressure without pleasure, or fairly unpleasant. With time, sessions naturally move toward refinement: better angles, clearer timing, more intentional pressure. There’s no rush between those phases.
The bladder note
G-region pressure can create a brief do I need to pee? sensation at first. That’s common. If it helps your brain relax: pee beforehand and/or put a towel down. If the sensation pops up during play, you might back off pressure, breathe, and give it a minute. It often fades as your body acclimates. Or just don’t worry about it at all 🙂
How to touch
Pressure: build a ladder (and don’t assume it needs to stay light)
Time + repetition matter. Pick one motion and give it 10 to 20 slow repeats before deciding “it’s not working.” This area often needs a minute to wake up.
If it feels neutral, stay curious.
If it feels tense or irritating, back off.
If it feels quietly good, linger.
Start light → medium → firmer only if it keeps feeling better.
Good to know: for many people, the G-region can handle more pressure than other internal areas. This is about firm, sustained pressure, not aggressive thrusting or force. Stay open to gradually building to much firmer pressure than you’d normally use — but only if your body is saying yes. Too much too soon can shut things down.
Angles make everything better
A small shift can change everything. Try: a pillow under your hips, knees toward your chest, or changing wrist angle so your touch presses more into the front wall. If your G-region is deeper, body positioning isn’t a nice extra — it’s the difference between can’t reach and oh, there it is. Often, adjusting angle matters more than going deeper.
Hands logistics
Trim nails. Or wear gloves / use toys if you want to keep the nails long. Go slow on entry and re-lube often.
If fingers feel awkward or tiring, that’s totally normal. Consider using a toy to mix it up — or alternating between hands and toys so your wrist doesn’t do all the work.
Toys: often the easiest way to get consistent contact
If fingers can’t comfortably reach or maintain pressure, a toy can be perfect.
Look for: curved shapes (so they naturally press the walls), steady pressure and slow movement, or vibration if you like it, but many people prefer low and slow internally versus high intensity.
Orgasm, squirting, and the am I doing it right?
G-region play might build to orgasm. It might not. Either way, it can still be very worth doing. Some people experience squirting with G-region stimulation, too — but don’t turn that into the new gold star. Measure success by: did anything feel good, interesting, calming, energizing, alive?
Many people also enjoy G-region touch alongside clitoral stimulation rather than instead of it. It often helps the G-region stay awake and responsive.
If it’s not a yes today, that’s 100% ok.
If it feels numb, irritating, tense, or emotionally no, switch to what is working. Forcing it teaches your body to brace. And bracing is the opposite of pleasure. Sensitivity can vary with stress, sleep, hydration, hormones, and where you are in your cycle. Try again another day.
A simple session blueprint
- Warm up externally until you’re genuinely turned on.
- Lube generously (and keep it nearby).
- Explore your vaginal walls with one motion at a time.
- Give each motion 10–20 slow repeats.
- Adjust angle and position before assuming it’s not there.
- Build pressure only when your body clearly wants more.
- If it’s not happening, pivot without drama and try again another day.
That’s the whole thing: steady, curious, no hero quests. Patience is the practice. Pressure kills curiosity. Just explore.
The cervix is the little donut-shaped doorway at the deep end of the vagina. For some folks, it’s not exactly a welcome guest in the pleasure conversation. That’s often because their main memories of feeling it involve someone ramming into it during sex — or a medical instrument poking at it without ceremony. For those people, the word “cervi” doesn’t conjure up mystery or magic. It conjures up flinching.
And that makes sense. When deep penetration happens too fast, too hard, or without enough turn-on, the cervix can feel like a solid no. But for many people, under the right conditions, the cervix can be a source of surprising, even profound pleasure. A kind of deep end pleasure that’s slower, fuller, and totally different from anything that happens at the surface.
The shift isn’t about tolerating discomfort. It’s about getting more tuned in — to arousal, to pacing, to the kind of contact that actually builds pleasure instead of shutting it down.
Tantric perspective: Many tantric practitioners understand the cervix as an area that can hold hurt, shame, shutdown, or emotional charge. In this view, some people find that slow, steady, present touch over time can help that area soften, unguard, and open to pleasure. This is generally referred to as de-armoring the cervix.
Quick orientation: Not everyone has a cervix. Some people were born without one, some people’s anatomy developed differently, and some have had their cervix removed during surgeries like hysterectomy. If that’s your body, you can skip ahead, or explore adjacent internal pleasure in ways that feel good to you.
Start solo
A lot of people prefer exploring the deep end by themselves first. Having full control over depth, angle, and pressure is the fastest way to learn what your body actually likes.
Slower is hotter
Deep end pleasure is not a “more speed, more points” situation. Start with less pressure, less movement, more time. Then build slowly — like turning up a dimmer, not flipping on stadium lights.
The golden rule: don’t bang into the cervix
The cervix usually doesn’t want to be head butted. One misaligned thrust can go from maybe? to never again in a single moment.
Deep end pleasure usually comes from gentle, steady contact:
staying at one depth and letting sensation gather
small rocks
tiny circles
slow grinding
If it hurts, stop. Deep end play is not a “push through” thing.
Find the sweet spots (it’s not one dot)
The cervix area isn’t just one single point. Angle matters. The space around it can feel different depending on how you’re touching — so a half-inch shift can change everything. This is why it helps to actually understand the layout back there so you can say, “a little to the left, same depth,” and mean it.
Positions that bring the deep end closer
Everyone’s vaginal canal is a little different. Some people can touch their cervix with a finger; others need a toy; some can reach it in one position and not another. Normal.
Also the cervix shifts throughout the menstrual cycle — position, texture, sensitivity. So something that felt amazing last week might feel tender today. And when you’re really turned on, the vagina usually lengthens and the cervix lifts link “the cervix lifts” back to the vaginal tenting section), which can make deep contact much more comfortable.
If the deep end feels out of reach, play with alignment:
On your back, knees toward chest (often changes the angle so deep contact happens differently)
Hips elevated (pillow under your butt can change the line of entry)
Small angle tweaks (tiny shifts can change everything)
Sometimes it’s not about deeper. It’s about lining up better.
Clit + cervix: try them together
A lot of people like deep end sensation more when it’s paired with clitoral stimulation.
Experiment:
keep deep contact slow and steady
add clit with a hand, grinding, or a vibe
notice what changes (comfort, intensity, orgasm “shape,” all of it)
And if you’re not including the clit and deep end pleasure starts to feel dull, weird, or like it’s sliding toward meh… don’t push harder. Pause the motion, keep gentle contact if it still feels good, and bring the clit in. For a lot of bodies, that’s the move that turns the whole thing back into 
pleasure.
Squirting has been getting a lot of airtime the past few years. Maybe because it feels different. Maybe because porn blew it up. Maybe because watching a body do something unexpected and a little feral is just… compelling.
Whatever the reason, it rang such a loud cultural bell that the U.K. straight-up banned depictions of squirting in porn in 2014. Which… 🤦. When a bodily function gets outlawed, you know it’s touched a nerve.
But squirting definitely isn’t new. There’s mentions of it from hundreds of years ago. Studies suggest that roughly 30–50% of people with vulvas have experienced squirting at least once, though estimates vary widely depending on how it’s defined. OMGYES reports that 87% of people who have squirted say they spent years believing they couldn’t.
Some squirt a little bit, some squirt a lot. In general, the porn squirting across the entire room is fabricated, but people can squirt almost a liter… a LITER!
Anyways, before we go any further, let’s depressurize this whole thing.
If you’re curious about squirting? Cool. If you want to learn how your body does it (or doesn’t)? Also cool.
Some bodies squirt when arousal gets deep and surrender gets real. It can be intense. It can be surprising.
But it is not:
+ Proof you’re “good in bed.
+ A gold star your partner earns for being a sorcerer.
+ A requirement for peak erotic adulthood.
It’s just one possible expression of pleasure. Optional. Often learnable. Sometimes not. Never required.
And if you never squirt — or you actively don’t want to — you are still a fully functioning erotic animal. All good.
A little sex nerd history: Ancient spiritual traditions talked about female ejaculate as sacred. Indian Tantric traditions called it Amrita… nectar of life. Chinese Tao traditions called it moon flower medicine, divine nectar. In the tantric traditions people would sometimes drink it as a sacred blessing.
How to squirt
Squirting tends to respond to one specific ingredient: permission to be uncontained.
If your nervous system is doing hold it together, be pretty, be quiet, don’t make a mess, don’t be weird, squirting is probably not gonna happen.
So the goal here isn’t “make it happen.” The goal is: learn what helps your body soften instead of brace. Much like orgasm… the harder you will yourself to squirt, the less likely it is to happen.
Setup
- Make peace with mess before you start.
Towel. Waterproof blanket. Bathtub. Whatever you want. - Pee first.
Not because squirting is “just pee,” but because peeing first removes the mental worry of “what if I actually pee.” You’ll relax faster when you know you already emptied. - Start only when you’re actually turned on. If you go digging around internally before you’re aroused, it can feel unpleasant. Peak arousal is your friend here. Clit stimulation throughout is great. Lots of people need both internal and external stimulation to squirt.
- Get comfy with “bearing down.” If you’re new to squirting, it helps to get familiar with what “bearing down” actually feels like. Your pelvic floor is a group of muscles you already use every day — just not usually on purpose.
You can think of it as having two main actions:
Lift / squeeze → like stopping urine mid-stream
Soften / push → like gently trying to pee a bit faster
You can practice this while masturbating.
With one or two lubed fingers inside, resting against the front wall:
Gently squeeze, like you’re stopping urine mid-flow. Notice how everything lifts and pulls inward.
Return to neutral.
Now soften and gently push, like you’re trying to pee a bit faster. You may feel your finger being nudged outward.
Return to neutral.
That soft pushing sensation is bearing down. It’s not forceful — just a gentle push paired with full relaxation of the pelvis. This is the muscle action that allows squirting to happen. Think release, not effort.
Take your time. Your body learns this through curiosity, not pressure. - Get your fingers in position… then let your forearm/whole arm create the rhythm, not tiny finger curls only. Honestly… hard to do by yourself. Using a curved G-spot toy can make this all easier.
Positions that often help in solo play:
On your back, knees up, pillow under hips
Side-lying with top knee bent
On hands and knees (sometimes makes the pressure feel more direct) - When you feel that urge to pee… bear down gently and keep rhythmically stimulating your upper wall. Right when you feel like the squirt might come push out and remove fingers or toys. It’s hard to squirt with things inside you.
- There’s no standard path to squirting. The closest thing to a compass is noticing an initially odd internal sensation — like pressure, tension, queasiness, or a strong “need to pee” feeling — and continuing whatever touch created it. All that said… don’t push through pain.
A few “please don’t do this” notes
- Don’t chase squirting like it’s the objective of sex. Chasing makes people tense. Tension kills it.
- Don’t compare yourself to porn. Porn squirting is often exaggerated and edited and optimized for camera angles, not your actual nervous system.
- Don’t force pressure. More force isn’t more pleasure. Find the spot, find the rhythm, stay turned on.
Squirting is for people who want it for themselves.
If it happens, it’s cool as hell.
If it doesn’t, your pleasure is not smaller. Your body is not broken.
You’re not behind.
You’re just in a body. And bodies are wildly, hilariously, extravagantly strange.
Female ejaculation and squirting are technically two different phenomena, even though they’re often talked about interchangeably. They come from different places, look different, and behave differently — but they can happen together, which is why people conflate them.
Female ejaculation
What it is
- A small release (drops up to about a teaspoon).
- Often whitish or milky.
- When it happens, it usually happens with orgasm (but not always).
Where it comes from
- Primarily the Skene’s glands (aka paraurethral glands).
- These glands are sometimes called the “female prostate” because they originate from the same developmental tissue as the male prostate. The glands sometimes called the “female prostate” are a normal part of vulvar anatomy, but they vary a lot from person to person. In some people they’re fairly obvious, and in others they’re smaller or harder to detect.
What’s in it
- Prostatic fluid
- Prostate-specific antigen (PSA)
- Enzymes similar to semen
Biochemically distinct from urine.
How it exits
- Through the urethra.
Squirting
What it is
- A larger release (from a few tablespoons to cups).
- Typically clear and watery.
- Can happen with or without orgasm.
Where it comes from
- The bladder, but people commonly report that it doesn’t smell like pee, feel like pee, or behave like pee.
What’s in it
- Squirting fluid likely exists on a spectrum — from mostly urine to super diluted urine — influenced by how much urine is in the bladder at the onset of arousal, plus small glandular contributions. Squirting is best understood as a sexual reflex involving the bladder, not a failure of bladder control and not “just peeing” in the everyday sense. In other words… squirting is not pee, but does contain some amount of pee. But truthfully… science hasn’t fully clarified all this yet.
Squirting seems to be a learnable response for many people, but not a guaranteed one — and there’s no known way to predict who will or won’t experience it.
How it exits
- Through the urethra.
How they relate (or don’t)
- Many people ejaculate without squirting
- Many people squirt without ejaculating
- Many do both
- Many do neither
Pleasure ≠ fluid
Fluid ≠ orgasm
Bodies vary
Multiple orgasms
Some folks have multiple orgasms easily. Some can with practice. Some never do. All are good. Data from the OMGYES / Kinsey institute study suggests that 47% of women report having had multiple orgasms.
For those who can have them, they’re mostly a timing + touch skill. Right after orgasm, the clitoris often gets so sensitive that what felt amazing a moment ago can suddenly hurt. A lot of people assume, guess I’m not a multiples person. Usually it’s not capacity, it’s strategy.
Big idea: post-orgasm is a new body. Start over.
The two phases: recovery → rebuild
- Recovery (cool down)
Think: less, wider, softer.
Try:
- a full pause (10–60 seconds)
- touch away from the clit (outer lips, thighs, belly)
- diffuse pressure (a cupped hand “hug,” gentle and still)
- “rewind” to early warm-up touch (slow, not-too-specific)
When in doubt: no direct clit.
2. Rebuild (climb back up)
Once oversensitivity eases, the second orgasm usually wants a gentler, slower remix:
- more indirect touch
- slower rhythm
- lighter pressure
- more skin between fingers/toy and clit (hood, lips as buffer)
You’re using what worked before — just softer and less direct.
Immediate multiples (lucky you)
Some people can keep the same motion and go straight into another orgasm. If that’s you, great. If not, you’re normal: use recovery → rebuild. After orgasm, 53% prefer returning to the same touch that worked during buildup rather than switching to something new.
No pressure
Multiples aren’t available to everyone every day. Make it a curious experiment, not a performance.
Multiples happen when you listen more, not when you push harder.
Anal play
Solo anal can be really good. And if you’re curious about partnered anal, exploring on your own is often the gentlest, wisest way to start. The keys to the mythical back door?: Patience, presence, curiosity, relaxation, a laughable amount of lube, and deep breathing.
You might want to try anal… but you might simultaneously be wondering… does this say something about my sexuality?… is it ok for me to want this?… what does it all mean? Deep breath. Anal exploration truly says nothing about your sexual orientation. Anuses have lots of nerves… nerves can feel pleasure… prostates can be orgasmic. Explore in peace.
One thing that’s reassuring to know upfront: for most people, anal gets noticeably easier with time. Not because anything gets “loose,” but because your body learns. The muscles relax more readily, the sensations stop feeling unfamiliar, and your nervous system stops treating it like a threat. So if you’re like… I want to do this with a partner but I can’t possibly imagine that girth… then more patience more practice.
Another myth worth retiring: anal play automatically messes up your bowel movements. That fear story makes it sound inevitable — like once you start, you’re doomed. In reality, long-term problems are very unlikely for most people. The muscles back there are designed to open and close every day, and when anal play is slow, well-lubed, and pain-aware, it typically doesn’t cause issues.
What you need
- A massive amount of body safe lube. More than you think. Then more.
- Clean hands (trim nails, wash well). Optional: a glove if your nails are pointy or you just like the vibe.
- A towel to lay down under you can be nice.
- Optional toy: only anal toys with a flared base.
- Optional clit/vulva or penis stimulation (because combo pleasure is nice and also arousal helps the anus relax).
- Clean is kind. Wash toys well, and if a toy goes from butt to anywhere else, use a condom or clean it thoroughly first.
Hygiene thoughts
For solo anal play, simple is plenty.
Wash the outer anus and cheeks with warm water and mild soap, rinse well.
You might see a little poop at some point. That’s not a failure. It’s just the reality of where you’re playing. Lots of times there’s nothing. Lots of times there’s something. Both are totally normal. It is your butt after all.
If the idea of seeing residue turns you off there’s an extremely underrated hack:
Put a condom on your toy.
Condoms on toys make cleanup faster, reduce visual surprises, reduce smell, lower anxiety (which helps everything feel better), make switching toys easier, mirror how partnered anal usually works anyway.
One more practical note: position matters.
Anything where the anus is above the toy — e.g receiver on top / cowgirl — is more likely to be messy… cause… gravity.
Many experienced anal folks quietly choose positions where gravity is working with them instead of against them… unless they’re intentionally very prepared, or very relaxed about mess.
Both are valid.
The two-sphincter truth (aka why slow actually matters)
You’ve got two rings back there:
- The outer sphincter = the one you can consciously relax.
- The inner sphincter = the one that’s more “nervous system” than “willpower.” It responds to stress, surprise, and rushing.
So if you feel like you’re “trying to make it open” and it’s not cooperating? Think less manual stretching and more mental relaxing / deep breathing.
The rules (simple, sacred)
- Ask first. Meaning: check in with your body before every new step.
- Slow. Go sloooow.
- So much lube. Reapply before you need it.
- No sharp pain ever. Sharp = stop, back out, reset. Same goes for burning or blood beyond a spec or two.
- Flared base only for toys. The rectum can pull objects inward.
- No back-and-forth: don’t go from anus → vagina/urethra with the same fingers/toy without washing (it can introduce bacteria where you don’t want it). Also don’t touch your eyes or mouth after putting your hands in your butt.
How to start
Start with the outside like it’s the main event — because honestly, sometimes it is.
Try:
- gentle circles around the anus
- light pressure on the rim
- a slow “hello” at the entrance while you keep breathing
- you might try pressing on your anus like it’s a doorbell… not with the tip of your finger but the pad.
A lot of people get plenty of pleasure right here. Penetration is always optional.
If you want penetration: make it gradual
- Get turned on first. Anal with low arousal can feel dry/intense fast.
- Lube everything: your finger/toy and the entrance.
- Start with one finger (or a small, tapered plug). Pause at the entrance. Let your body adjust.
- Think pressure + stillness first, not motion.
- Add tiny movement only when it feels like a clear yes.
- If you want, you can actively stretch the anus. With one knuckle in hold constant pressure in all four directions for five seconds each. Then repeat with two knuckles in.
Helpful cue: a slow exhale often lets the inner ring soften more than trying harder ever will.
Some people find that “bearing down” like you need to poop allows easier entrance. Awkward, we know.
Pair it with other pleasure
Anal stimulation often gets way waaaay better when something else is also happening.
The prostate sits in front of the rectum, below the bladder. From inside the rectum, it’s usually reachable about ~2 inches / ~5 cm in, on the front wall (toward your belly button). It often feels rounded and rubbery. When you touch it, it’s common to feel a sudden urge to pee — that’s normal pressure sensation.
Quick note: Avoid prostate massage if you have acute prostatitis/infection, or if you’re dealing with hemorrhoids/fissures that bleed easily — rough massage can worsen things and increase bleeding/infection risk.
Step 1: Find it
Once you’re about two knuckles in, angle toward the front wall (toward your belly button).
You’re looking for a subtle here feeling:
+ a rounded, firmer area compared to surrounding tissue
+ often paired with that pee urge sensation
+ much easier done with a toy than with fingers
+ if you forgot where the prostate is, go back and check the anatomy section.
Step 2: How to touch it
The prostate usually prefers steady pressure + small movements.
Try this progression:
Hold pressure (10–30 seconds). Let sensation build.
Add micro-pulses (gentle “press-release” without poking).
Add tiny circles or a slow side-to-side “polish,” staying on the same area.
What often doesn’t work:
+ aggressive poking
+ big thrusting motions
+ moving around constantly like you’re searching for a lost contact lens
Step 3: Add a second pleasure channel (optional but often key)
Many people get the best results with combo stimulation:
stroke a penis while maintaining steady prostate pressure
or edge (build arousal, back off, build again) while the toy stays in place. Sometimes the prostate turns on when overall arousal crosses a threshold — not at minute one.
What you might feel when it’s working
+ urge to pee that gradually turns into pleasure
+ deeper warmth / fullness
+ pre-ejaculate or a “milky” fluid release for some (doesn’t have to happen)
+ orgasms that feel more full-body / wavey and can involve more pelvic contractions than typical penile orgasms.
Troubleshooting (aka: why nothing’s happening)
“It feels like nothing.”
→ More arousal. More time. Hold steady pressure longer before moving.
“It feels too intense / too pee-ish.”
→ Back off slightly, lighten pressure, slow down, keep breathing.
“I can’t find it.”
→ Change position + use a curved tool. Don’t keep digging deeper; it’s usually not farther, it’s more forward.
“It hurts.”
→ Stop. Add lube. Go smaller/slower. If pain is consistent, skip internal play and consider checking in with a clinician.
Arousal control & energy
(Part of our tantric perspective series — less about peer-reviewed data, more about a different way of relating to what’s possible in your body.)
Three zoom levels of the same thing: staying… moving… circulating.
You’ve learned the “what” of pleasure. Different touches. Different rhythms. This section is the “how.” How to steer arousal instead of getting dragged behind it like a kite in a thunderstorm. Again, nothing here is a blueprint you have to follow… just an invitation if you want to explore.
These practices are basically three zoom levels on one core skill:
- Stay near the edge (edging)
- Pull arousal in and up (more common for people with penises)
- Circulate it (microcosmic orbit for all bodies)
Same idea. Different camera lens.
Key context
Did you know orgasm and ejaculation are controlled by different nerve pathways in the body? Orgasm is largely driven by sensory signals traveling up to the brain, while ejaculation is a reflex coordinated through specific nerve circuits in the spine. They’re tightly linked — but they’re not the same mechanism.
That’s why, in people with penises, it’s possible to uncouple them — to feel the peak without triggering the reflex. It just takes a surprising amount of precision and awareness to interrupt something your body is very used to doing automatically. People with vulvas don’t have that same ejaculatory reflex to contend with, which changes how this distinction shows up in their bodies.
Separate systems. Which means, with practice, they don’t always have to fire together.
What’s true?
You deserve pleasure just by being alive. How much pleasure can you allow in? How much pleasure can you notice?
Touch to feel. How much pleasure can you get just from the sensation of your fingertips?
The g-region, cervix, and prostate are all optional ways to explore what pleasure is possible in your body.
If you have a vulva and you’ve tried everything up through this section but still are struggling to orgasm, consider checking out OMGYES and/or read Becoming Orgasmic for more focused guidance.
