Yes, “just talk about it”… but how?
So much sex advice basically amounts to a shrug:
“Talk about it.”
They’re not entirely wrong. Communication really is the cheat code. It’s the thing that turns sex from fine, I guess into sex worth canceling plans for. One of the strangest and most stubborn sex myths of all is the idea that if you have to talk about it, something must be wrong. Because supposedly good lovers “just know.” This couldn’t be further from the truth.
The Magnificent Sex research describes great lovers talking about sex all the time, apparently unmoved by the deranged parade of online think pieces about the precisely correct time and place for finally saying, “a little to the left.” In reality, the best lovers usually have the humility and confidence to ask good questions and make space for honest answers. And the very best lovers do all of that, while also noticing body language and adjusting accordingly.
It can be helpful to see great communication as two deeper things stacked on top of each other:
1) Do you actually know what you want?
That requires being tuned into your body enough to recognize the difference between this is fine and this is the door to heaven, please don’t move. The foundation of communication is inner knowing. It’s hard to say what you want when you don’t yet know.
So the first move is intimacy with your own body… your sensations, your rhythms, your quiet inner yes and no. What hits your gas? What hits your brakes? That kind of listening is a practice. The more you return to it, the more fluent you become. From there, solo exploration can help you learn what actually feels good, so that over time you’re not just guessing. You’re bringing real knowing into the conversation.
2) Can you let yourself be seen?
Not the polished version. The real one. The one who has preferences. The one who changes their mind. The one who wants something specific and slightly embarrassing and very alive. It takes a lot of courage to speak your preferences let alone your deepest fantasies.
That’s why it can feel weirdly hard to say something simple like: “Hey babe, I love that you’re paying attention to my clit, but it’s really sensitive, and direct touch is a lot. Could you go slower and more around it?”
Or: “Can I show you what I love?”
That’s you being real. And real is what makes sex electric 
.
Also: a lot of communication isn’t even words. It’s noticing. Breath. Sound. Movement. Tightness. Release. When those change, something internally is often also changing. And you can adjust, move your partner’s hand gently to the right spot… or move your hips to change the angle… or check in. You can giggle. You can talk dirty. You can stop mid sesh and have a half hour talk about how bananas are berries, but strawberries aren’t? There are no rules.
A few gentle guidelines though:
Don’t assume your lover can read your mind (really).
For the bigger conversations, it can help to talk about the conversation before having the conversation. What do you both need, when would be a good time, what are you worried about, what would make it productive? Also, notice HALT: are either of you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? You don’t need to wait for some mythical perfect moment, but these states can make hard conversations land a little rougher than intended.
Start soft. Lead with your own experience instead of blame: “I’d love…” “I notice…” “I feel…”
Stay curious. Don’t just give feedback — ask questions. “What do you love?” “What helps you relax?” “What would make this feel even better for you?”
Research consistently finds that the secret isn’t endless sex talk — it’s high-quality sex talk. How well couples communicated about sex mattered more than how often they did it.
Below are some practical ideas for how to talk about sex and advocate for your pleasure.
1. Start with the positive.
Lead with what feels good before suggesting changes:
“I love when you do that. Can you go a little slower?”
“I love it when you angle your hips like that.”
“Lower and to the right feels amazing.”
Keeps the tone connected, not corrective.
2. Use body-based language.
Talk about sensations, not judgments:
“Softer,” “Deeper,” and “Right there.” Rather than “not like that.” It’s easier for your partner to adjust without feeling criticized.
3. Stay in the moment.
Offer small, real-time cues — a breath, a moan, a word, a gentle hand guide — so feedback feels natural and embodied.
4. Keep it mutual and curious.
Ask:
Is it better like this or like this?
Would you like more or less pressure?
Would you like faster or slower?
Avoid heady questions that pull people into thinking mode.
5. Sometimes just adjusting your body to get the sensation you’re after is easiest. If you’re lying on the bed in missionary you might move your hips to the side to adjust contact.
Similarly… if you’re penetrating someone, watch to see if they move away from you… it’s often a sign it’s hurting or too deep.
It’s often helpful to check your assumptions about body language, at least while you’re getting to know someone.
Did that noise mean pleasure or something else?
Did you close your legs to change the sensation or because it was painful?
Were you looking at me just cause or were you trying to get my attention?
Our initial read of people’s body language isn’t always right from the start.
6. A few things to avoid saying:
“Are you close?”
“What’s wrong?” (in response to a soft cock or a dry vagina, because… arousal non-concordance)
“Just relax.”
Only complimenting people in the bedroom but never outside.
Despite what society seems to think, nobody is born knowing how to be great in bed. We get handed a ton of pressure to be “good at sex,” with almost none of the education that would make that possible. Then we’re naked, vulnerable, hopeful, awkward, trying not to disappoint somebody, and suddenly even the idea of feedback can feel absolutely devastating.
We get it. And still… feedback is how sex gets better. Thirty uncomfortable minutes is so much better than 30 un-pleasurable years. If there is one thing you can do today to have better sex tonight, it is this: talk about what is working, what is not, and what could feel even better.
A lot of people, especially women, are taught to manage other people’s comfort before their own pleasure. That is part of why fake orgasms happen. Sometimes it’s to end bad or painful sex. Sometimes it’s to avoid awkwardness. Sometimes it’s to protect someone’s ego. And sometimes it is because being honest doesn’t feel emotionally or physically safe. That logic is real. It makes sense. This is not about blaming anyone for doing what they needed to do.
But in situations where honesty is safe, faking it comes at a cost. It teaches your partner the wrong lesson. It gives glowing reviews to a show you don’t want renewed.
If a partner tells you what’s not working, that’s not an attack. That’s trust. It means they’re letting you closer to the truth, which is the only place great sex can actually happen. If you pressure someone to come, do not be surprised if the performance shows up on cue. Pressure is one of the fastest ways to get a fake orgasm and one of the fastest ways to kill a real one.
Most of us were taught next to nothing and then expected to improvise beautifully in one of the most vulnerable situations in human life. Of course we need feedback. Of course we need practice. Of course we need to learn. So when your partner offers feedback, breathe. Take it as good news. Ask curious questions. Stay open. And maybe skip the “why” questions… Gottman’s research suggests they often land as criticism, even when that wasn’t the intention.
Better sex isn’t built on mind reading. It is built on honesty, attention, and somebody being brave enough to tell the truth.
If talking about sex makes you squirm, you are very much not alone. It makes sense that this can feel hard after growing up in a world that taught so many of us that sex is embarrassing, dirty, or shameful. Still, the research is pretty clear: better sexual communication is linked to greater sexual satisfaction, and it’s not just about talking more — it’s about talking better. Don’t let shyness get in the way of better sex.
To start the conversation
“Can we talk about sex for a sec?”
“Can I show you something I really like?”
“I’ve been wanting to tell you something I love.”
“I love when we talk about this stuff.”
“You know what really worked for me?”
To ask for more of what’s working
“Yes, that. Keep going.”
“Right there.”
“That feels so good.”
“Mm, that rhythm.”
“Can you stay there a little longer?”
To ask for feedback
“Does this feel good?”
“More like this or like this?”
“Do you want more pressure or less?”
“Do you want slower or faster?”
“Do you want more teasing or more intensity?”
“Should I keep going or change it up?”
“Can you show me how you like it?”
“What would feel even better?”
To redirect without killing the vibe
“A tiny bit softer.”
“Can you slow that down just a little?”
“A little more to the left.”
“Can you stay steady like that?”
“I love that idea. Can we try it more like this?”
“Can you linger there for a second?”
“A little less intense, a little more teasing.”
“Can I guide you for a sec?”
To introduce new ideas
“You know what I’ve always wanted to try?”
“I would love to try ___ with you. Would you be into that?”
“Okay, this is a little embarrassing, but I’ve always fantasized about…”
“What’s a fantasy you have?”
To change what’s not working
“I feel so much more pleasure when we take 20 minutes just for foreplay and teasing. Could we do that more often?”
“I love it so much more when we grind our hips together instead of doing a lot of in-and-out. Can we try more of that?”
“Doggy kind of hurts — I can feel you hitting my cervix. Could you stay a little shallower?”
“Babe, I’m so down for anal but I need more lube and more warmup first.”
“I love having sex with you, and I’m realizing I’m extra into it when we both feel super fresh. Can we make a quick shower and teeth-brushing part of the pregame?”
To set a boundary in the moment
“Hey, can you not pull my hair? I’m not into that.”
“No spanking for me.”
“No choking, please.”
“Biting’s not really my thing.”
“Not so rough with me.”
“Gentler, please.”
“I like my clit touched through the hood, not directly.”
“That spot’s too sensitive like this.”
“Can you stay more on the outside?”
“That doesn’t feel good for me — can we do it differently?”
“I’m not up for that tonight.”
The conversation after
What you say after sex shapes how safe, seen, and desired you both feel the next time.
Why it matters: It’s where you reinforce what worked and gently open doors to what could be even better.
How to do it well: Lead with warmth. “That was so hot when you…” or “I felt so close to you.”
Add gentle curiosity. “What did you love most?” or “Is there anything you’d like more or less of next time?”
Normalize follow-ups. Whether you have the “big talks” in or out of the bedroom, in the moment or after, is entirely up to you. Find what feels right.
Keep it light. Not every conversation needs to be a debrief — sometimes “That was amazing” is the perfect review.
