Breast / chest massage
If your partner likes chest/breast touch, this can be a perfect add-on before or while you’re warming up the vulva. If they don’t love it, skip it completely. Breast tenderness varies with cycle, hormones, breastfeeding, and gender dysphoria — check in. Here are some common mistakes and their fixes.
Going straight for nipples like they’re the “main button.”
Fix: Start broad. Warm up the chest, sternum, ribs, and the whole breast first. Save direct nipple touch for later (and ask what they like).
Quick myth-buster: We’re taught to think nipples are the main event. But biologically, they’re kind of a micro-alarm system. In breastfeeding, nipple pain usually means the latch is off. The nipple is meant to be drawn deep, while the areola does most of the work. Which is why enthusiastic nipple sucking, biting, or twisting so often doesn’t land the way people think it does.
Too much friction / “dry hands on skin.”
Fix: Use lube or oil (a little goes a long way). Think glide + warmth, not rubbing. If the skin starts feeling “draggy,” add more slip.
Pressure that’s too intense too soon.
Fix: Start lighter than you think, then build.
Pinching, twisting, or aggressive squeezing (aka “honking”).
Fix: Use a full-hand hold and slow compression, like a supportive squeeze.
Vulva massage (aka fingering)
Fingering gives most people the worst mental image that doubles as the worst advice: pokey, thrusty, jackhammer hands (aka using your fingers like a pornstar’s penis). A better mental model is massage: slow, deliberate, touch that builds pleasure instead of trying to “make something happen.”
Before we start: a lot of the foundations are in Solo Play + Exploring Solo Pleasure. If anything here feels new or confusing, go reread those sections for the full context.
Core principle: This is not a performance with a secret, mystical, unfindable button. It’s an exploration with feedback.
Setup
Clean hands, trimmed nails. For the love of vaginas everywhere… trim your nails, file them smooth till there are no sharp edges and clean them well with soap and water. There should be no dirt under your nails. Vaginal microbiomes have been thrown off by dirty fingernails for far too long. If you have long nails and want to keep them, stick to external touch or wear gloves and go gently or use toys for internal touch. If you have a hangnail or cuts and you’re not 100% fluid-bonded: skip genital touch or use gloves. If using gloves, buy powder free ones or wash the powder off before use (it can cause irritation).
Warm hands. Cold hands are no fun most of the time.
Use lube intentionally. Oil-based lube (coconut, jojoba, cacao butter, etc.) is usually the nicest choice if you’re doing a long, slow massage that might lead toward internal touch. Some people do totally fine with oils; some don’t. Ask, notice, adjust. If oils don’t work internally for that person, use oil for the external massage and switch to a water or silicone-based lube for anything internal — wipe or switch fingers and keep going. If you’re not doing a full-body massage and are mostly focused on genitals, you can skip oil entirely and go straight to water or silicone lube. Whatever you do though, don’t use dry hands on a vulva. It doesn’t feel good.
No anus to vulva/vagina touch without washing up / switching gloves.
Get in a stable position. Sitting between their legs works well because it’s easy to be slow, present, and consistent.
Use light. Really. Unless you know that vulva super well, it’s gonna be hard to do well in total darkness. A small light can make a huge difference.
Tips that teach 80% of the way
1. Take way more time than you think you need.
Most bad touch isn’t wrong, it’s rushed. Slowness lets the nervous system relax and arousal build. Be slow and intentional to make contact and just as slow and intentional to take touch away.
2. Knowing where the clit is ≠ touching it directly.
It’s awesome to know where the clit is and know that it’s the key to pleasure. But that doesn’t mean you want to go right for it. Kiss the body, stroke their inner thighs, massage around their labia before finding the clit. Many people with vulvas much prefer you never touch the clit directly, but instead stimulate it through the surrounding skin. If you’re curious if your partner wants direct touch, ask them.
3. Don’t go internal until the body is clearly inviting it or it’s asked for.
Readiness shows up as leaning in, deeper breathing, more wetness, fuller tissue, a sucking in of your finger as it rests at the entrance. Never “test” penetration. Ask, wait, and let the body lead. It’s better to wait a little “too long” than to enter too early. If and when penetration happens, always start with one finger. Be present… it’s a vulnerable moment to have someone enter your body. Firm, deep, and / or fast internal touch almost certainly won’t feel good until they’re very warmed up. Remember: Wetness isn’t a guarantee of wanting and vice versa.
4. Broad, steady pressure beats pokey movement.
Flat hands, finger pads instead of tips, slow circles, and consistent contact very often feel better than fast, tiny motions. Think massage, not button-pressing. If their thighs tighten, belly tightens, or they go quiet/hold breath, back off 20%, slow down, and check in. If this is all new for you or if you’re with a newer partner, using the flat palm of your dominant hand to rub slow circles on their clitoral area is a pretty safe bet that will be pleasurable for most people.
5. Communicate like a collaborator, not a performer.
Stop guessing. Use simple calibration:
- “More like this or this?”
- “Lighter or heavier?”
- “Want to stay here or change it up?”
- Everyone’s spectrums are different. One way to calibrate is to find the edges. Add pressure until it’s too much. Take it away until they say it’s nowhere near enough. Do the same with speed and depth.
- Do you like it at 1 o’clock, 3, 6, 9 slowly circling the clit. Finding ways of common language can help. This instantly removes pressure and improves touch.
- Or better yet — ask them to show you. Then lay beside them, layer your hand under theirs, and let them guide you exactly how they like it.
6. Pressure kills pleasure.
There’s no single trick, button, or guaranteed orgasm path. What worked for one person very often won’t work for the next. Chasing outcomes makes bodies tense. Curiosity and responsiveness get you further than technique.
7. Treat it as exploration, not a test.
Every vulva is wired differently. Humans aren’t robots… the pleasure nerves are truly laid out differently in every person. If you drop the “I need to do this right” mindset, you become more present — and paradoxically, much better.
8. Don’t speed up at the end. Yes, porn always shows hands going lightning-fast right before orgasm — but for most people with vulvas, that’s a turn-off. When you sense orgasm approaching, resist the urge to change things. Consistency is often what gets them over the edge.
9. Delay and anticipation help orgasms feel stronger.
This is only one way, not the right way. But in following this map you’re likely to learn a lot.
The foreplay bridge
The #1 mistake is going from “cute kissing” to “direct clit poke.” The vulva often wants a runway.
A simple warm-up sequence:
Belly → ribs → chest/heart area (slow, calm touch).
Arms and hands (surprisingly regulating).
Thighs (outer → inner, slow circles).
Pass over the vulva without lingering (yes, on purpose).
Back to thighs + hips + glutes.
Then return toward the vulva gradually.
That “pass over and move on” builds anticipation and tells their nervous system: no pressure.
Pro move: offer three touch options (and let them choose)
Most people never vary touch — they just do “their move.” Instead, offer a menu:
Flat palm, firm pressure
Flat palm, soft pressure
Fingertips only (light touch)
Then ask one of these:
“Which one feels best?”
“More like this, or like this?”
“Want lighter, heavier, or slower?”
This turns you into a better lover instantly because you stop guessing.
1) Cupping + stillness
Start with a warm cup over the vulva.
Do nothing for 10 to 20 seconds. Let sensation build.
2) Broad circles (the “no sandpaper” rule)
Use a flat palm or multiple fingers together and make slow, delicious circles over the whole vulva area — pubic mound, outer labia, inner labia. Avoid tiny fast movements that feel like friction (“clit DJing” energy).
3) Indirect clit touch first (and often only)
As arousal builds and the vulva swells, the clitoris often becomes more visible even while simultaneously pulling back and inward, tucking deeper under the hood. That’s the body protecting a very sensitive structure from overstimulation.
Translation: when someone is getting turned on, their clit is often asking for buffered, indirect touch, not direct exposure.
What usually feels best:
+ touch around the clit (above, sides, hood)
+ pressure through the hood rather than on the glans itself
+ slower and steadier than you think
+ There’s usually no need to pull the hood back and touch the clit directly unless your partner clearly says they like that. For many people, direct touch can feel intense in a bad way — like turning the volume up too fast.
4) Remove touch with the same slow intention as you add it
When you remove your hand, remove it slowly. Fast withdrawal can feel abrupt and disconnecting. Slow exits keep arousal online.
5) Two-hand upgrade (when they’re warmed up)
A high-skill move is giving two different sensations at once, both slow:
One hand: gentle circles over the clit/hood area
Other hand: slow circles at the base of the vaginal opening.
Before any penetration: Is their body actually ready? and… do they want internal touch today?
Signs that often mean “yes, fingers might feel good now”:
+ they tell you they’re ready and they want internal touch
+ they’re actively pressing into your hand
+ their breathing deepens or they’re making involuntary sounds
+ there’s natural lubrication or they want lube added
+ the tissue looks fuller/swollen (often subtle)
Then ask simply:
“Want fingers inside, or stay outside?”
“Ready for penetration, or keep warming?”
Rule: Never “test penetration” to check readiness. Ask and sense.
Most people do internal touch like they’re checking a couch cushion for lost keys. Eek.
Start shallow + still
Begin with one finger, slow entry.
Pause and let the tissue adjust.
Think pressure and contact, not in-and-out thrusting.
Vaginas are resilient AF
Thanks to all the cultural mythology that paints vaginas as delicate flowers, people often treat them that way. But vaginas aren’t fragile. Babies can literally come out of them. What is true is that firm, deep, and / or fast internal touch almost certainly won’t feel good until they’re very warmed up.
A useful approach:
Gently increase pressure until you reach their upper limit, then back off 15 to 30%. Ask: “More pressure, less pressure, or perfect?” This builds trust and precision.
If you think they might, ask “do you want a second finger?”
If they do, layer one finger on top of the other (instead of side-by-side) for entry.
G-Region massage
First: there isn’t one universal “button.” G-spot is more like G-region. And while it’s true that many G-regions are on the upper wall about two knuckles in… it’s also true that many are at varying depths, on the sidewalls, on the bottom wall, etc. Ask! And if they don’t know… you can explore together. Internal pleasure varies hugely person to person. Your invitation is to learn their map, not prove you know a hack.
What matters most: arousal level
G-spot-ish sensation is often easiest to find when they’re already very turned on, because the tissue involved becomes more engorged. If you go looking too early, it can feel like nothing or feel irritating.
It’s usually shallower than people think
Many people are shocked how close it is — often a few inches in. That’s why deep pounding often misses it.
The classic “come here” can work well
Many people respond best to:
Steady pressure + tiny motions
Slow “come here” curl
Or a gentle rocking motion
Pairing is powerful
A high-impact combo:
Fingers inside on the front wall (steady rocking pressure)
Flat, lubed palm rubbing circles outside over the clit/hood area. You could also use a vibe here.
The “I feel like I’m going to pee” moment
Very common during internal stimulation — especially near the front wall.
Helpful words: “That pee feeling can be totally normal. We can slow down, change angle, or stop anytime.”
If it fits your vibe and you truly mean it: “I’m not stressed about mess.” The goal isn’t to push through. The goal is to normalize and stay consent-led. The pee feeling usually isn’t actually a sign they’re about to pee.
Sound + release
A lot of people clamp down on sensation — especially around internal pleasure — because it’s intense, vulnerable, or unfamiliar.
Encourage them (gently) to:
+ Exhale audibly
+ Make noise if it wants to come
+ Move their hips
+ Let their face soften
+ Permission to let sensation move.
Common mistakes
Pretending or thinking you already know → confident humility… “Can you show me or tell me what you like?”
Sandpaper clit (tiny fast rubbing) → go broader, slower, indirect, add lube
Speeding up at the end → stay steady
Poking/jaws-like questing → ya know… na na na na (insert clickable jaws audio)… the fingers fishing around insecurely… choose a spot, apply pressure, wait, listen
“Are you close?” energy → swap to “More like this or this?”
Treating their body like a puzzle you must solve 
→ treat it like a place you get to explore
Growth mindset. The goal isn’t to be perfect. It’s to be present, slow, responsive, and unafraid of feedback.
Hand jobs AKA lingham massages
Soft penises are 100% massageable.
Use lube. Be gentler than you think. Whereas men often treat vulvas like they’re delicate, women often treat penises like they’re tough. Most penises feel best with smooth, deliberate pressure — not a death grip. Don’t be afraid to touch them gently, even with a feathery teasing touch.
Respect foreskin mechanics. If they have foreskin, don’t yank it back and forth every stroke. This usually feels uncomfortable. Instead, bring your hand lower on the shaft and use the foreskin as the fun sleeve it is. When the foreskin is pulled back, the frenulum becomes way more visible as that little band on the underside of the penis connecting the foreskin to the glans. (People sometimes call it — and this is true! — the “banjo string.”) Check out the Anatomy chapter for about this. Anyway, if the banjo string is getting tight and pluckable on each stroke… you’re probably doing too much.
Steady > frantic. When they’re close, don’t suddenly speed up or change everything. Keep the rhythm that got them there.
Stop guessing. Ask one question. “More like this or like this?” or “Can you show me how you do it?”
Expanded learning
(Most of the info is back in Expanded Solo Pleasure. Whether you’re a giver or receiver, start there first. This section will focus on partnered squirting.)
Holding the field, not chasing the fountain
You’ve already got the mechanics, anatomy, and nervous-system basics from the solo chapter. This part is about what changes when there’s another human in the room — another nervous system, another set of hands, another emotional field.
Think of partnered squirting less as a technique you perform to someone, and more as a state you help co-create. The person receiving decides if squirting is on the menu. Don’t try to convince anyone to squirt if they’re not into it. It’s a unique feeling. Some people love it
. Some find it mostly uncomfortable. For some it’s a mix.
What you need: a big glass of water, lots of lube and some towels or a sex blanket. Soaked mattresses can be super sexy… until it’s time to go to bed. A vibrator is optional but can be a nice touch.
Safety + presence
Squirting in partnership lives or dies on one thing: Do they feel safe being uncontained with you?
Safe as in: messy, noisy, strange, vulnerable, not managing your reaction. Trust is essential.
If they’re tracking whether you’re secretly freaked out, grossed out, impressed, bored, or performing… their pelvis will probably lock up and the muscles will be too clenched for squirting to happen. If you’re thinking that making them squirt is a trophy symbol of your prowess… they’ll feel that, and it will tarnish the experience. Remember… pleasure is the measure.
Your job isn’t to make anything happen. Your job is to hold the experience sweetly. If they do squirt, they might feel a bit embarrassed so make sure you remind them you think it’s hot and they’re beautiful or whatever reassuring words you want to use. If you feel some ick at the waterworks… now’s not the time to express it. No squirt shaming 🙂
The moment most people accidentally shut it down
At some point they’ll likely say or feel:
“I really need to pee.” That is not the cue to stop. That is the cue to relax more.
Your role here is reassurance, not explanation.
Simple phrases work best:
“That’s okay.”
“I’m 100% cool if you squirt on me.”
“You’re safe.”
“Let it happen.”
“I’ve got you.”
Don’t launch into everything you’ve learned about squirting. Try not to sound uncertain (but don’t lie about your experience either). Confidence is part of the container. If they’re new to squirting you might coach them on what it feels like to bear down. Ask them if they’re open to this first. Most people are familiar with the muscles involved in stopping urine mid flow and peeing faster (the PC muscles), but not everyone has conscious control of those without a bit of practice.
One option is to help them feel what it is to work those muscles. With your fingers inside you can ask them: “Try to pull my fingers deeper inside as if you were stopping urine mid flow. Now back to neutral. Now try to push my fingers out of you as if you were trying to pee harder. Now back to neutral.” That sensation of pushing out is the bearing down needed to squirt. Not intensely… just a gentle bearing down and a full relaxing of all the muscles in the pelvis. This kind of coaching is optional. It works if your partner is into it, but isn’t necessary if they’re not.
Pressure vs. permission
Squirting has a paradoxical edge:
+ Too little confidence → nothing happens
+ Too much agenda → nothing happens
You can set an intention. But don’t make it a goal.
If they’re clenching, bracing, or dissociating, slow down. Forcing through tension can turn this from expansive to uncomfortable very fast. Keep communicating.
Orgasm ≠ squirting (but sometimes they overlap)
They’re different reflexes with different build-ups.
+ Squirting can happen with or without orgasm
+ Orgasms tend to feel like waves of energy
+ Squirting often feels like an emotional or primal release
Also worth knowing: Squirting doesn’t have the same refractory period as orgasm. Some people can experience it multiple times in a row without any refractory period.
Presence is not optional
This is the part people often skip.
Presence looks like:
+ breathing with them
+ making sound yourself
+ letting your face and voice show enjoyment
+ staying emotionally in the room
Silence, holding your breath, or going “task-focused” often reads as absence.
If they don’t feel you with them, they won’t let go with you.
One of the most impactful things you can offer is steadiness.
A calm, confident presence that says: “Nothing about this is too much for me.”
Some tips:
1. Hydration matters
Squirting draws from bladder fluid. In partnered sessions — especially longer ones — being well hydrated makes the reflex easier and less effortful.
2. Clit stays online
Internal pressure alone is rarely enough. Clitoral stimulation — tongue, palm, or body contact — keeps the pleasure present. If they’re drifting into “am I doing this right?” territory, bring the clit back into the conversation.
3. Foreplay does not end when fingers go in
Whole-body arousal still matters: kissing, eye contact, etc.
4. If it doesn’t happen, no sweat… don’t force it.
Try again another day. Over-pressurizing the situation can make everyone like they failed when the “goal” isn’t achieved. Remember: exploration and play.
Touch mechanics: a clear partnered flow.
1. Start with peak arousal
Before anything goes inside, make sure arousal is already high.
+ Clitoral stimulation first: tongue, fingers, palm, or toy
+ Slow, steady, unhurried
+ You’re looking for warmth, swelling, and that full-body “yes”
Internal touch works best when the nervous system is already relaxed and open.
2. Enter gradually
+ Start with one finger
+ Let them adjust
+ Add a second finger only once everything feels soft and receptive
3. Find the urethral sponge on the upper wall of the vagina
For some people this lines up with their G-region, for others it doesn’t.
Once inside:
+ Use a gentle come-hither motion or whatever internal touch they already know they like
+ Stay curious rather than fixed on one exact spot
At the same time, keep the clit involved:
+ They can stimulate themselves (hands or toy), or
+ You can use your mouth, or
+ Make slow circles with the palm of your free hand
4. Listen for the shift
At some point, things often change:
+ The sound becomes more squelchy or squishy
+ The tissue feels fuller, less slick and more spongy
That’s usually the cue to change how you’re touching — not to push harder, but to get better alignment.
5. Switch to whole-arm leverage
This is where many people burn out with finger curls alone. You need positions where you can move your whole arm, not your fingers.
If it’s comfortable, try Kenneth Play’s awesome “Spiderman” position.
+ You get on all fours next to them facing their feet
+ Your arm naturally lines up with their vulva
+ Lock your fingers and let your whole arm create the rhythm pressure release on the upper wall of their vagina.
+ The palm of your hand can naturally stimulate their clitoris while moving up and down.
This allows sustained, confident pressure on the urethral sponge without tiring your hand. Your other hand can either rest on the bed or on their pelvis pushing down just below the belly button. When they say or it seems like they’re about to squirt, have them bear down and push out / remove fingers, toys / penises right at the moment of squirting. For most people it’s hard to squirt while something is inside.
6. Adjust pressure, not intensity
Think: Gentle → sustained → confident
Not harder, more present
If you remember nothing else:
Partnered squirting isn’t about perfect technique. It’s about being a really safe person to explore with… not acting safe to get them to gush… actually being safe. It’s about sequencing, leverage, and staying connected to pleasure the whole time. Move slowly. Use your whole body, not just your fingers. And let the experience unfold instead of forcing a result.
And above all: Make it safe to be messy.
And if it doesn’t happen? Nothing is wrong. Nothing was missed. You were still doing sex — real, embodied, alive.
Note: Most of the info is back in Expanded Solo Pleasure. Whether you’re a giver or receiver… start there first. This section will focus on partnered prostate massage.
Partnered prostate play
Prostate play tends to go better when it’s approached with patience, tenderness, and zero agenda. If you’re the partner doing the touching, your job is not to convince, push, or “unlock” anything. Your job is to go gently, listen closely, and make it easy for the other person to stay connected to their body. Let this be exploratory, not high-pressure. Ask first.
For a lot of straight men, this territory can come with extra static. Years of no homo nonsense, fear of what it means, fear of liking it too much, fear of seeming “less manly,” fear of poop, fear of the unknown. All of that is real. And none of it means anything is wrong with you. As their partner: be calm and reassuring and patient with their process.
Also: yes, this is anal play. Bodies are bodies. Sometimes that means things are not perfectly pristine. Have a wipe nearby. Be normal about it.
1. Location
The prostate is usually a few inches inside, on the front wall of the rectum (toward the belly). A gentle curl of your finger — like a soft come-here — is usually more effective than poking or thrusting. When you’re in the right spot, the prostate often feels different from the surrounding tissue. Instead of smooth and hollow, it may feel slightly firmer or spongier, like a soft ridge or a small, rounded mound under the rectal wall. Some people describe it as similar to gently pressing on the fleshy part of the inside of a cheek. That’s why the soft come-here curl works so well: it naturally traces the front wall until you hit tissue that feels a bit different.
The biggest giveaway usually isn’t the texture, it’s the response. When you apply light pressure there, they may notice a sudden increase in sensation, a full or “oh…there” feeling, deeper pleasure, or a reflexive pelvic response. For many people, prostate stimulation creates a strong “I need to pee” sensation at first. That’s normal, and often a sign you’re in the right place. If the body stays relaxed, that feeling often transforms into pleasure.
2. Pressure beats motion
Most prostates respond better to steady, gentle pressure than fast movement. Try slow pulses, tiny rocks, or simply holding contact and letting sensation build. If you’re moving a lot, it’s probably too much.
3. Go slower than solo
Even people who enjoy solo prostate play often need more time to relax with a partner’s touch. Enter slowly, pause once inside, and let the body adjust before adding pressure or movement. There should never be sharp pain.
4. Watch the nervous system
If their breathing shortens, their body tightens, or the area pushes you out, back off. If their breath deepens, their body softens, or they get quieter, you’re likely on the right track.
5. Pair with other stimulation
Prostate touch often feels better and more accessible when paired with penis stimulation (by you or them). This helps the body stay in pleasure instead of hyper-focusing on what’s happening anally.
6. Less goal, more listening
Prostate pleasure can be subtle, wave-like, or delayed. Don’t chase an outcome. Stay curious, responsive, and patient — the prostate tends to open on its own timeline.
Clean hands, trimmed nails, and lube are the baseline.
Penises aren’t rugged guns. Vaginas aren’t delicate flowers.
Think massage, not poking: slower, broader, steadier touch is usually better on both vulvas and penises.
Don’t rush inside or grip like you’re starting a lawnmower.
Feedback beats mind-reading. Ask, notice, and let their body teach you.
When something is working, resist the porn instinct to speed up and ruin it.
