How to bring up adding toys
This part can feel weirdly loaded. A lot of people hear their partner say “I want to use a vibrator“ and translate it into “you’re not enough for me.” But usually it means something much less dramatic: different bodies like different kinds of stimulation and hands / tongues / penises do not vibrate.
Keep the conversation warm, specific, and collaborative.
You could say:
- “Want to try adding a vibrator while we have sex sometime?”
- “I’d love to try clitoral stimulation at the same time as penetration.”
- “I think it could be really hot to bring a toy in with us.”
- “Can we experiment with a vibrator together and see what feels good?”
If your partner gets insecure, it can help to say the quiet part out loud:
- “This isn’t about you not being enough. A penis just does different things than a vibrator does. That’s all.”
- “You plus the toy is the point. Not the toy instead of you.”
- “I love our sex, and I think a strap could add a whole different kind of hot.”
Strap-ons, strap etiquette, and dildos
It’s completely okay if you can’t buy a new dildo for every partner. But if you’re sharing one between partners, safety matters. Use non-porous materials (like silicone) and clean them thoroughly between uses. A fresh condom each time adds extra protection. If your toy is porous (most dildos are), use a condom every time.
Strap-on taxonomy
There’s generally two kinds of strap-on setups, though you can get strap-on harnesses for thighs, hands, faces, almost anything.
Harness + dildo attached externally.
The toy anchors inside the wearer and extends outward.
Traditional strap-ons are usually the better place to start: they’re more versatile, more stable, and generally easier to use. Strapless strap-ons can absolutely be worth trying later, but they tend to take more practice and getting used to. They usually require fairly strong pelvic floor engagement to keep in place, and they often don’t work as well for anal play, since the strength of the anal sphincter can make them more likely to slip out.
If you’re choosing just one versatile size for multiple partners, aim for mid-length (5 to 6″) and moderate girth (4 to 4.75″). Comfort and control matter more than maximal size. If not, the suggestion to go buy a new size for each partner is pretty cool.
Bonus points: try leaving the dildo in hot water before use so it’s warm on entry.
Partner toys
Most of the toys have been covered in the toys section. But these ones are specific to partnered sex.
Remember: you can make almost anything vibrate by touching it with a vibrator — fingers, tongue, penis, dildo, traffic cone, whatever.
The thin end goes inside leaving room for a penis or strap-on while the thick end stay outside for clitoral stimulation.
All sorts of toys come with remotes. Some come with wifi accessed apps so you could say… turn on your partners vibrating butt plug from the other side of the world.
Who says you need to spend lots of money on sex toys? Using rope well does require some skill to do safely, but it can massively spice things up.
A sex wedge can lift the hips, change the angle, reduce strain, and make pleasure easier to access. For disabled people, pregnant people, larger-bodied people, people with chronic pain, or anyone whose body needs support, positioning can be game-changing.
Traditional strap-on harnesses are easier to use. Strapless strap-ons work great with more effort, but tend to be challenging for anal.
There are so many fun toys that can add texture, variety, and delight to partnered play — and every single one of them is optional.
Bringing toys into bed does not mean anything is missing, broken, or inadequate. It just means you have more than one good idea.
